I had an honest conversation with a friend this past week about sex as a Mormon girl. Sex is an incredibly touchy thing for me, so I was very interested to see what her thoughts were concerning it. She said she realized that her mom sheltered her as a child and young woman and made her have negative feelings towards sex and now it is affecting her intimacy with her husband. They still…do it (for lack of better words) but it is more like a chore for her, not something that is actually enjoyed. They went to marriage counseling to resolve this hiccup and found that this is very common among women in the church. This is part of the problem for myself. After being told for years that sex is bad, sex is now good. How does one get their head around that? That is why we (my husband and I) have to decided to talk to our kids about sex in a way that is different from the typical mormon family. We want them to know that it is good and especially sacred when it is done within the confines of a holy matrimony. And we are going to stress that point as much as we can.
But that is just a small part for why sex is an issue for me. The other is, I am terrified of becoming pregnant again at this point, since it was so easy last time (on birth control). I want to finish my degree first and then expand my family from 3 to 4, 5 or 6 when I am done. I just realized the other day that this is a huge matter of leaving my life in the Lord’s hands. Sometimes I have that figured out and other times, i don’t. If I could just leave this in the Lord’s hands and trust that He knows what’s best for me than maybe intimacy wouldn’t be a problem because if we got pregnant I would know that it is the Lord’s will and be happy with it. But I am not at that point right now, I would be terrified and quite honestly depressed. It is hard enough to do school with one child and try to get good grades, I can imagine another one making it nearly impossible. It would interfere with my dreams. I know that sounds selfish, but there you have it. I didn’t have time to be selfish before my daughter came so whatever room is left for selfishness (while still giving my daughter all the love and attention she needs) I’m taking it.